Grief does not wait for death to happen; it occurs both in anticipation of and following a loss. Extended illness, disability, severe accidental injury, a terminal diagnosis or the aging and decline of an elderly family member can produce what is known as anticipatory grief and mourning. We find ourselves reacting and continually adapting not only to an expected loss but to all the losses–past, present and future – that are encountered in that experience.
Anticipatory mourning begins as soon as we become aware that death may happen. It begins when a life-threatening illness is diagnosed, or a terminal prognosis is given. We understand that there is no cure and realize that death is likely or inevitable.
The grief process
The feelings and symptoms of grief can take on many different forms and are unique for each of us. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and there are no specific rules you have to finish grieving after a certain time. The important thing is that you take the time you need to go through the various stages of grief and acknowledge your feelings along the way.
There are generally five stages of grief that we go through when we have a loss. We don’t go through the stages in any particular order, and there is no time limit as to how long a person may experience each stage. The stages are:
Denial: Someone in this stage is in shock and disbelief about the loss. They cannot acknowledge the loss and may try to ignore it or pretend that nothing has happened. This stage can help protect a person from the immediate intensity of the loss.
Bargaining: In this stage, a person may focus on ways they could have prevented the loss or on what they might have done differently. Sometimes, a person will try to make a deal with someone or something in the belief that those actions can be undone. Feelings of guilt are common in this stage.
Anger: At this point, a person begins to realize the lack of control and power they had in preventing the loss. A person in this stage may lash out at friends, family and their faith system. Sometimes, the person will feel anger about being abandoned or left alone. There may be attempts to blame others for not preventing the loss.
Depression: The impact of the loss is felt in this stage, as well as the significance of the loss. People may have crying spells, difficulty eating or sleeping, poor concentration and lack of energy.
Acceptance: In this stage, people understand what the loss means to them and begin to move forward. They have integrated the loss with their life experiences. They have resolved their feelings about the loss.
Coping with loss
The grief process may be different for every person. What may work for someone who experienced a loss may not work for you. How you cope with a loss will depend on what works for you and not what other people consider to be the “right” way to grieve. Listed below are some tips to help you through this difficult time:
Identify your support system. While you may sometimes feel alone while grieving, you are not. There are other people in your life that you can use for support. They may be family, friends, support groups, people in your faith community or mental health professionals.
Express your feelings. Do not be afraid to tell people how you feel or express your feelings. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel. If it is difficult to verbalize your feelings, use other methods like journaling or drawing to express yourself. It is important to acknowledge your feelings to help you better cope with the loss.
Take care of yourself. When we deal with a stressful situation like a loss, it is easy to forget about taking care of ourselves. It is important that you remember to eat and sleep adequately. It is okay to give yourself a break from the grief. Sometimes, we need a diversion from the stress to allow us the opportunity to recharge mentally. Keeping ourselves healthy makes it easier to deal with the loss. Avoid drinking alcohol or using drugs, as they will inhibit or prevent you from progressing with your grief.
Do what works for you. Everybody has their own way of coping. For some people, going to wakes and funerals, when the loss is a death, is important to them since it gives them a feeling of closure. For others, going to those events is too difficult, and they find other ways for closure, such as creating a memorial or engaging in an act to honor the lost person, such as planting flowers or donating to a favorite charity in their name. Whatever will help you deal with the loss in a healthy, productive way is acceptable.
Plan for the future. When we lose someone close to us, there will come times, like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and other special events, that will evoke intense feelings and emotions. This is common and should be expected. Planning ahead on how you will handle those times can make those special days less difficult.
Coping with a loss is difficult as we struggle with our feelings while trying to say “goodbye.” Going through the grieving process is not something that must be done alone.